Of course, when you put it that way...

I didn't come here looking for anything. In fact, I came here to get a little lost.

...doesn't mean I wanted you to find me. And I didn't move two thousand miles away from anything familiar to "find myself." I'd abhor anything that cliche on principal.

I think I told you already, I don't know what I'm doing here. I miss home, and things are strange, and a little desperate, and sometimes I hate it here.

...but I smile when your name shows up on my phone. I spend a little too much time wanting to hear your voice. Last night I had a dream we went dancing in the rain.

I've batted my eyelashes at you, and on several occasions, giggled.

Like I said, I'm not looking for anything. I can't. I shouldn't. I'm not ready.

...but if I've found something, I won't ignore it.

I'm not going to lie to you. I will probably hurt you. I've been kind of a mess. I don't have a lot going for me. I came here alone, and I plan on leaving here- alone.

...unless something drastically changes.

I will probably ignore you when you don't want me to. I guarantee you I will yell at you for no reason. I'll cancel plans and make them again, and when I get scared, I will get angry. I will push and plead and beg and cry, and I will run.

...until I have nowhere left to go, and you're still standing there.

And I thought I was the crazy one. You're signing up for this, kid. I hope you know what you're doing.

Incomplete sentences that end with prepositions...

In my junior year of high school I took a creative writing class. I didn't pay attention, because 17 year old me thought I was above being taught to write. Kind of like someone I know whose 17 year old self was above rehearsing. I figured, at 17, that I already knew everything that class could teach me.

I realized today that wasn't true, and maybe I should've listened to Mr. Benson when he said the following brilliant (paraphrased) words...

If you can't seem to write anything, don't. I mean it. Write nothing. Put pen to paper or fingers to keys and just make words. This is not writing. This is your wild mind working out all the things that are keeping it from creating... So write the word 'banana' a thousand times until somehow you're capable of forming a sentence. Use cliches, get them out of your system... Go ahead, don't write a complete sentence or finish a thought. Use improper punctuation. End sentences with prepositions...

Tonight's mission: A little wild mind writing.... not writing.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Arrived...

This city doesn't sleep. In that sense, it's perfect for me.

At any given moment in this town, you can get breakfast, liquor, a haircut, and a lap dance.

The street lights don't line up with their respective lanes and it drives me crazy.

There are no Caribou Coffees in Nevada.

The mountains rise around me on all sides. They are beautiful and different and... everywhere. I miss the damn lake.

It's warm in February. Today I sat outside with my coffee and a cigarette. I know... I cheated.

The closer you are to a casino when you get gas, the cheaper it will be. There are casinos everywhere.

I don't think I'm enough of a hippy for everyone I've met that's around my age. In fact, I know I'm not.

There are some great restaurants in this town... Good sushi.

I don't want to talk about what brought me here. I'm not ready. I don't know when I will be. The simple fact is, I'm here... for the next few months at least. My dad is here... I can be happy here.

I'm lonely as hell. I miss my friends. I miss my best friend. I miss... him. Even though I try not to.

This post, though less than eloquent, is the most I've written in over a month. I'm having a very hard time with that.

... A wise friend told me recently, "The key to doing it is just, well, doing it. Sit. Down. And do it."

I'm trying.

The "we" said...

We need to talk.

Words I've heard quite enough of lately. But since it's one of my best girlfriends saying it, I doubt she's about to tell me we're pregnant. I assume it's safe. I am wrong.

Ok, so I know this is weird, but He and I... We're dating.

You're what?

Dating. We've started seeing each other. We really like each other and just felt like, with all your history, we should tell you.

So you're a 'we' already? Awesome.

You've said it before, Lauren. You can't help who you love- um- who you're drawn to.

Love? Right. Ok. Hey, sometime, you know, just for fun, you should ask him about the time he told me he wouldn't date anyone in Duluth. Or, if you're really feeling like a good laugh, ask him about how he told me, time and time again, how he's no good for anyone.

But hey, I'm sure you two will be just fine. I hope it works out.

Yeah, works out. Just like it did for us. I hope he breaks your heart a couple times, too.

Oh, and gets you pregnant.

Good fucking luck.

Blame game time...

"Would you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?"

Well hello there, kids. Welcome to Sesame Street. The letter of the day is "A." And do you know what words we can make with the letter A? Yes, that's right kiddies! Adoption! And...Abortion! And make sure to tune in tommorrow, when we talk about the letter "B." As in Baby. And Breakdown.

Very good, everyone! Now let's move on to the number of the day. Can you guess what it is? Nope, it's not 5. We're way past five! Today's number is "forever." What's that? Forever's not a number? Hmmm. You know what, kids? I think you're right.

They don't teach us about forever when we're young. I feel cheated.

Big Bird didn't have a catchy tune about it, Bert and Ernie didn't get into a fight about it in order to teach us a lesson. As a result, I have no concept of 'forever.' And without that, how can I possibly make this monumental decision the right way?

The consequences will last forever. The thoughts will stay with me forever.

And I don't know how long that is... I have nothing to relate it to, nothing to understand the pure and simple weight of it. I can't take anything I've done, anything I've learned or tried and turn it into forever. And I feel like if I don't, whatever I've decided is wrong.

So thanks, Bert and Ernie. I'm blaming you for this one. And Big Bird, don't think you're getting out of this.

Oh, right. Happy New Year.

The 'she said...'

He is a friend to strangers, and a stranger to friends, but for a select few. And he likes it that way.

He spends most of his time inside his own head, trying to fix the world... I think he might actually do it one day.

He's smart, intellectual in a way all his own. It drives people crazy. And it draws them to him, though no one has ever been able to figure out why.

He talks to himself constantly, a new dilemma turning the gears of his mind. At any moment, he could decide he needs help with it and ask you a question you can't possibly understand.

He listens, better than most. It's part of his intrinsic desire to 'figure out' the human condition, but it's always nice to know his attention's only on you.

He has no sense of self-discipline, and it infuriates me, because things always seem to work out for him anyway.

He loves his family. He carries their every problem with him wherever he goes. It's endearing, but he wouldn't know it. It's who he is.

He's torturously charming, brilliantly quick-witted.

He dreams of an ethical world, not a perfect one. He'll learn everything he can to make it so.

He's unfailingly determined, repeatedly impulsive, and recklessly optimistic.

He has impossibly blue eyes.

And I love him.

How can I ask him to live with this forever?

The 'he said...'

She exhales smoke into the darkness and watches it take to the air, something she knows she was born to do...

Some call her cynical. She believes she's grounded.

She's fiercely loyal. To her friends, her family.

When she loves you, you'll never second guess it, never question it.

She's so talented... It amazes me. It makes me jealous. She has something wonderful to give the world and it comes so easily, so naturally to her.

She wants amazing things, and she'll get them. She deserves them. I want them for her.

She has plans. Dreams that will come true in a heartbeat simply because she wants them enough.

She's ambitious, driven... Passionate. More than I'll ever be.

She's beautiful.

And I love her.

How can I ask her to throw anything she is away for me?