I didn't come here looking for anything. In fact, I came here to get a little lost.
...doesn't mean I wanted you to find me. And I didn't move two thousand miles away from anything familiar to "find myself." I'd abhor anything that cliche on principal.
I think I told you already, I don't know what I'm doing here. I miss home, and things are strange, and a little desperate, and sometimes I hate it here.
...but I smile when your name shows up on my phone. I spend a little too much time wanting to hear your voice. Last night I had a dream we went dancing in the rain.
I've batted my eyelashes at you, and on several occasions, giggled.
Like I said, I'm not looking for anything. I can't. I shouldn't. I'm not ready.
...but if I've found something, I won't ignore it.
I'm not going to lie to you. I will probably hurt you. I've been kind of a mess. I don't have a lot going for me. I came here alone, and I plan on leaving here- alone.
...unless something drastically changes.
I will probably ignore you when you don't want me to. I guarantee you I will yell at you for no reason. I'll cancel plans and make them again, and when I get scared, I will get angry. I will push and plead and beg and cry, and I will run.
...until I have nowhere left to go, and you're still standing there.
And I thought I was the crazy one. You're signing up for this, kid. I hope you know what you're doing.
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13 comments:
...you're a Virgo, right?
;-)
I love you. Shut up.
Wait... Explain?
"I will probably ignore you when you don't want me to. I guarantee you I will yell at you for no reason. I'll cancel plans and make them again, and when I get scared, I will get angry. I will push and plead and beg and cry, and I will run.
"...until I have nowhere left to go, and you're still standing there."
Just reminded me of my ex. That's all.
Virgo...
I'm not sure if I should somehow feel insulted by that...
Oh well. I guess I'm as true to my sign as she was.
At the end of the day all that's left is love.
Even if she's a Virgo.
Even if you're in Reno. I still love you.
(Like moving somewhere would change that...)
Post Script: DON'T MOVE BACK TO DULUTH.
Answer to your postscript- NEVER.
I have nowhere left to go but the only place in this world I'm supposed to be.
And I know where that is.
PPS...
I can hear my neighbor having sex.
I'm not turned on.
Hmm...? I didn't expect you to be.
It depends what kind of mood I'm in.
Right now my knee hurts.
They're lasted two minutes.
I'm ashamed for them.
Ouch. Me too.
I'm sorry your knee hurts.
Four more...
I don't know why, but your phone isn't working for me.
Read Kat's blog. Last few entries. Specifically: http://kittienoir.blogspot.com/2009/04/path.html
Call me.
Time to vent.
I'm shooting right now, but leave a message with a convenient time to call you back...
Please.
L-
First of all... If you want to play the game of who didn't love who, don't get me started. I loved Michael with all of my heart. I loved him so much that it killed me every time he walked all over me and treated me like shit, but I still came back for more. If you think that a handful of flirtations with Serg over two years is enough to discount that, that is your own problem. But maybe you should ask Mike about Lizzie. The girl he made out with hours before he took me out of town for our two year anniversary. Maybe you should ask him about all the times I begged him not to flirt so obviously and so sexually with other girls, and he told me to just deal with it.
If Michael wants to hate me, let him do it himself. Lord knows he has two emotions and one is anger and one is love. He uses anger more than love.
Michael was abusive to me. This is something neither you or he will ever agree with, but it is something that has been diagnosed since our break up. The emotional abuse he caused to me is a big flashing neon sign that while he thought he loved me, he surely did not. I won't tell him what he felt and what he didn't, but the multitude of things he put me through, including standing me up at a company event because he was mad I called to see if he was on his way, tearing apart my family and being too stubborn to even try for the woman he was "so in love" with, cheating, lying, and running at the first possible moment, telling me that everything I did was wrong, everyone I liked was bad, and every relationship I had ever formed with a person was shit and I should run from it... all those things tell me he was just a plain ol' manipulative Cancer, self-serving until he is satisfied enough to move on.
Now, I understand he is your friend and I will never discount that. I will never deny that I was in love with him. I was. Past tense. Remarkably, the heart can change.
And forgive me if I disagree with it being me that has the "twin hooks of angst and drama" as I did everything I could to hold our relationship together, including destroying friendships to make him happy and nearly abandoning my entire family so that Michael and I could be peaceful. It was Michael who repeatedly crushed me, hurt me, and hit below the belt trying to run at any sign of danger. It was Michael who picked fights, controled my friendships, and caused psychological pain.
And, "darling", I really don't fucking care if you win. I'm done with this bullshit. I'm done with this drama. I'm done feeling like I still in some way belong to Michael because I've been so brainwashed that I can't get out of that gravitational pull. I'm done feeling bad about being happy for once. I'm done trying to make him happy and I in no way care if you're happy.
Michael is a vain, lying, self-centered, self-serving, arrogant asshole. He is abusive to those he claims to love and he has damaged me in ways I never thought possible. So go ahead. Win. Take him. He's all yours. Neither of you will ever see that it was him that destroyed our relationship, so why should I bother trying to convince you? Who are you to me? You're no one. You're just as manipulative and just as dishonest as he it.
But you know what? I'd rather spend my energy on positive things, like working towards my continued happiness, no matter how pathetic you and your "misunderstood" cohort believe that to be. I sincerely hope you two get the most out of life. I just honestly never want to hear from either of you again. And I mean that with utmost certainty. If, like I said, a handful of flirtations is worse than what Michael has put me through in your and his mind, so be it. I'm done caring. I have better things to do.
-K
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