It hits you like a semi-truck, but in slow motion, so you know what's happening, can feel it crush you bone by bone, but can't stop it...
It burns through you like poison through your veins. It will be the end of you, but the descent is unbearably sweet, torturously beautiful...
You're drawn to the fire, then you drown in the rain you run to put it out with. Hypnotized and sleepless, you are bent to the will of it...
It is so intricate you can't even hope to disect it, so out of reach it's a dream to you...
But when it takes you over, it is stunning in its complete simplicity, devoid of human complication and capable of changing your whole life...
It can make you immortal in the space of a breath, and kill you in less time than even that.
It is the only thing I want...
...What is it?
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Countdown to the morning...
When I was a kid, I had an irregular heartbeat. It used to give me trouble sleeping. The doctor suggested, if ever I found myself awake at night, that I slow my breathing, and count backwards from one hundred. By the time I got to one, everything usually slowed down, and I could sleep.
I haven't had to use that trick in a long time... It's been years, actually. But last night, He and I fell asleep watching Vanilla Sky. Together. In the same bed. At some point, He got up to turn the lights and the TV off. This woke me up. I wish it hadn't. I wish I could've stayed asleep...
Caution: The following is an extremely long and potentially boring look into my inner-monologue. You may fall asleep while reading it...
He climbs in bed next to me and my heart starts racing wildly. Great. Just great. It seems my body won't let me have a night of peace. It's almost five a.m. Sleep. I have to sleep. Let's give this a try...Here we go. .100
99. Exhale. 98...Inhale. 97... If I could just calm down long enough to breathe. 96. Exhale. 95...Inhale. 94...Maybe if I turn on my side. 93, exhale. 92. Nope. Bad idea. Too close. Too close. 91. Inhale. Mmm, he smells so good. 90. Exhale. 89...Damnit, do not put your arm around me. 88, inhale...Stop it, stop it right now. 87...Oh, God do I love those arms. I miss those arms. Exhale. Seriously, can he hear my heart pounding? 86...I think my ribcage is shaking. Seriously rattled bones here. Inhale. 85... I can't seem to breathe normally. 84. Nothing's even happening, why the hell can't I breathe? Exhale. 83- Jesus, did he just moan?! Inhale. 82... Is it hot in here? 81, exhale. Nope, not really, he's just getting closer...80. I don't know if I can take another second of this. Inhale. 79..Ok, that moan sounded like my name. Exhale. Yep, pretty sure the man just moaned my name. 78. Inhale. Ok, heart slowing a little. 77...Exhale... 76... Inhale... 75... He must be sleeping. Exhale. 74... Inhale. This is actually nice. 73. I forgot how good it feels to just be next to him. Exhale. He doesn't need to know that, of course. 72... It kills me, but this can't work, we won't work. Inhale... The sex is always good, but the mornings are too painful...71... Exhale. I shouldn't be here. 70... How many nights can we spend tangled up in each other like this before we break, before something... Inhale...69...Exhale...68...What the-Good Christ, he is definately not asleep. Inhale... 67... His breathing is jerky, shallow. His chest is shaking. 66... Exhale. His heart's going just as hard as mine was. Inhale. 65... Oh, wow. It would seem his heart's not the only thing going hard...
ExhaleInhaleExhale...64, 63, 62....Inhale.Exhale.Inhale. 61, 60, 59, 58...Exhale. Come on, breathe. 57InhaleExhale56. This is impossible. Calm down already! Inhale. Should I say something? 55... Exhale. Maybe he should say somthing. Inhale... I mean, he's the one pressed up against me. He knows, always has, just where to press. Shit. 54. 53. 52...Exhale. Oh, god. My entire body is going to go up in flames. Inhale. Exhale. Stop, I think I might explode. 51... Please, stop it. Inhale. I don't mean that. If you move away from me now I will have to kill you. Exhale. I don't think my lungs can take much more of this. 50. Why haven't I quit smoking? Inhale...Exhale, 49... I think this might be a new form of exercise: Unbearable sexual tension.
Inhale. 48, exhale... 47... Inhale... Exhale. Ok kid, we can do this... It's six a.m. Let's just calm down, and go to sleep. Inhale... 46... Oh, damn. Again with the crazy heartbeat... Exhale. 45... Inhale... Yeah, definately not going to be able to sleep. Ever again. Exhale... 44... Please, just touch me. Inhale. 43, 42, 41... Whoa. Forget I thought it. Don't touch me. I know what happens when you do. Exhale. Inhale. Easy, kid.
Just. Stay. Still. 40. Exhale... 39... Inhale... 38, 37...
FUCK! In the name of all that's good and holy if you don't make a move in the next ten seconds I am going to spontaneously combust!
Exhale. 36... I think every muscle in my body has gone permanently rigid. Inhale. 35. 34. 33... Why hasn't he done anything? 32... He must not want me anymore. Exhale. That's probably a good thing, right? 31... Inhale. 30... Less complicated that way, I guess. Exhale. Then why does it feel like my heart it breaking? 29, 28... Probably because it's exhausted. Inhale. I don't think I've been this stressed out, well, ever. Exhale. 27... 26... We'll be fine. We're supposed to be friends. Inhale... 25... This. Will. Be. Ok. Exhale...
"Lauren."
24... Inhale. That sounded less like a moan and more like a word. Exhale... 23...
"Lala. You awake?"
Inhale. Minor heart attack. Fuck, what do I do? 22...
"I can't sleep. Not like this."
Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Great. Can't breathe.
"I'm going to be honest with you. I should go sleep on the couch. But I don't want to..."
21. 20. 19...Say something, anything. Inhale. Don't go. Go. Stay. Christ. 18... 17... Exhale.
"...which means I need to. But I can't."
Inhale. 16... 15... 14. He does want me. Exhale. He shouldn't want me. 13. We agreed. Inhale... 12... We can't do this.
"I can't be here with you, like this, and not break."
Exhale. We have to do this. 11... 10... 9...
"Are you even awake? Maybe it's better then. Maybe I'm insane, but..."
Inhale. 8, 7, 6... I'm going to hate myself in the morning.
"I still want you."
Exhale... 5... 4... Who cares about morning? Inhale. Not me.
"Hell. I always want you."
Exhale... 3... 2... Now, or never. Sun's coming up. Say it, Lauren.
"Mike."
"Lauren. You're awake."
Inhale. Exhale. 1.
"Mike. Kiss me."
I haven't had to use that trick in a long time... It's been years, actually. But last night, He and I fell asleep watching Vanilla Sky. Together. In the same bed. At some point, He got up to turn the lights and the TV off. This woke me up. I wish it hadn't. I wish I could've stayed asleep...
Caution: The following is an extremely long and potentially boring look into my inner-monologue. You may fall asleep while reading it...
He climbs in bed next to me and my heart starts racing wildly. Great. Just great. It seems my body won't let me have a night of peace. It's almost five a.m. Sleep. I have to sleep. Let's give this a try...Here we go. .100
99. Exhale. 98...Inhale. 97... If I could just calm down long enough to breathe. 96. Exhale. 95...Inhale. 94...Maybe if I turn on my side. 93, exhale. 92. Nope. Bad idea. Too close. Too close. 91. Inhale. Mmm, he smells so good. 90. Exhale. 89...Damnit, do not put your arm around me. 88, inhale...Stop it, stop it right now. 87...Oh, God do I love those arms. I miss those arms. Exhale. Seriously, can he hear my heart pounding? 86...I think my ribcage is shaking. Seriously rattled bones here. Inhale. 85... I can't seem to breathe normally. 84. Nothing's even happening, why the hell can't I breathe? Exhale. 83- Jesus, did he just moan?! Inhale. 82... Is it hot in here? 81, exhale. Nope, not really, he's just getting closer...80. I don't know if I can take another second of this. Inhale. 79..Ok, that moan sounded like my name. Exhale. Yep, pretty sure the man just moaned my name. 78. Inhale. Ok, heart slowing a little. 77...Exhale... 76... Inhale... 75... He must be sleeping. Exhale. 74... Inhale. This is actually nice. 73. I forgot how good it feels to just be next to him. Exhale. He doesn't need to know that, of course. 72... It kills me, but this can't work, we won't work. Inhale... The sex is always good, but the mornings are too painful...71... Exhale. I shouldn't be here. 70... How many nights can we spend tangled up in each other like this before we break, before something... Inhale...69...Exhale...68...What the-Good Christ, he is definately not asleep. Inhale... 67... His breathing is jerky, shallow. His chest is shaking. 66... Exhale. His heart's going just as hard as mine was. Inhale. 65... Oh, wow. It would seem his heart's not the only thing going hard...
ExhaleInhaleExhale...64, 63, 62....Inhale.Exhale.Inhale. 61, 60, 59, 58...Exhale. Come on, breathe. 57InhaleExhale56. This is impossible. Calm down already! Inhale. Should I say something? 55... Exhale. Maybe he should say somthing. Inhale... I mean, he's the one pressed up against me. He knows, always has, just where to press. Shit. 54. 53. 52...Exhale. Oh, god. My entire body is going to go up in flames. Inhale. Exhale. Stop, I think I might explode. 51... Please, stop it. Inhale. I don't mean that. If you move away from me now I will have to kill you. Exhale. I don't think my lungs can take much more of this. 50. Why haven't I quit smoking? Inhale...Exhale, 49... I think this might be a new form of exercise: Unbearable sexual tension.
Inhale. 48, exhale... 47... Inhale... Exhale. Ok kid, we can do this... It's six a.m. Let's just calm down, and go to sleep. Inhale... 46... Oh, damn. Again with the crazy heartbeat... Exhale. 45... Inhale... Yeah, definately not going to be able to sleep. Ever again. Exhale... 44... Please, just touch me. Inhale. 43, 42, 41... Whoa. Forget I thought it. Don't touch me. I know what happens when you do. Exhale. Inhale. Easy, kid.
Just. Stay. Still. 40. Exhale... 39... Inhale... 38, 37...
FUCK! In the name of all that's good and holy if you don't make a move in the next ten seconds I am going to spontaneously combust!
Exhale. 36... I think every muscle in my body has gone permanently rigid. Inhale. 35. 34. 33... Why hasn't he done anything? 32... He must not want me anymore. Exhale. That's probably a good thing, right? 31... Inhale. 30... Less complicated that way, I guess. Exhale. Then why does it feel like my heart it breaking? 29, 28... Probably because it's exhausted. Inhale. I don't think I've been this stressed out, well, ever. Exhale. 27... 26... We'll be fine. We're supposed to be friends. Inhale... 25... This. Will. Be. Ok. Exhale...
"Lauren."
24... Inhale. That sounded less like a moan and more like a word. Exhale... 23...
"Lala. You awake?"
Inhale. Minor heart attack. Fuck, what do I do? 22...
"I can't sleep. Not like this."
Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Great. Can't breathe.
"I'm going to be honest with you. I should go sleep on the couch. But I don't want to..."
21. 20. 19...Say something, anything. Inhale. Don't go. Go. Stay. Christ. 18... 17... Exhale.
"...which means I need to. But I can't."
Inhale. 16... 15... 14. He does want me. Exhale. He shouldn't want me. 13. We agreed. Inhale... 12... We can't do this.
"I can't be here with you, like this, and not break."
Exhale. We have to do this. 11... 10... 9...
"Are you even awake? Maybe it's better then. Maybe I'm insane, but..."
Inhale. 8, 7, 6... I'm going to hate myself in the morning.
"I still want you."
Exhale... 5... 4... Who cares about morning? Inhale. Not me.
"Hell. I always want you."
Exhale... 3... 2... Now, or never. Sun's coming up. Say it, Lauren.
"Mike."
"Lauren. You're awake."
Inhale. Exhale. 1.
"Mike. Kiss me."
Friday, July 18, 2008
It attacks with such sweet grace...
It may have been three o'clock in the morning in a city that isn't always safe, but I needed to walk. And, in the shadows of a full moon and the shroud of rolling fog, something amazing happened.
My tortured artist's soul couldn't resist the imagery.
More later.
My tortured artist's soul couldn't resist the imagery.
More later.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
I want to tell a different story...
Boy meets Girl.
Boy and Girl date. For a year and some time.
Boy and Girl use the "I love you" words.
Boy moves two hundred miles to be close to Girl.
Boy and Girl talk about getting married.
Boy and Girl pick out names of future children.
Boy and Girl become shining examples to all their friends. Boy and Girl are proof that, while no relationship is perfect, with sacrifice and good communication and-yes-the "I love you" words, real people can make real relationships work. Real people are capable of creating their own happiness.
Boy fucks friend of Boy and Girl at Boy's birthday party last week.
...I am not a pessimist. Occasionally, I am jaded, but usually for small ammounts of time and for dramatic effect. Even in my currently single, sometimes confused state of union, I am hopeful.
Or I was.
If Boy and Girl, my 'shining example,' are as susceptible to the same harsh relationship realities that plague stars of teenage primetime soap operas, then what, I ask you, what is it that I seem stupidly determined to remain hopeful about?
I wish I didn't know anything about this. I want the story to end with "Boy and Girl live happily ever after."
Ignorance is supposedly bliss, but for me, it is apparently the source of my optimism.
Boy and Girl date. For a year and some time.
Boy and Girl use the "I love you" words.
Boy moves two hundred miles to be close to Girl.
Boy and Girl talk about getting married.
Boy and Girl pick out names of future children.
Boy and Girl become shining examples to all their friends. Boy and Girl are proof that, while no relationship is perfect, with sacrifice and good communication and-yes-the "I love you" words, real people can make real relationships work. Real people are capable of creating their own happiness.
Boy fucks friend of Boy and Girl at Boy's birthday party last week.
...I am not a pessimist. Occasionally, I am jaded, but usually for small ammounts of time and for dramatic effect. Even in my currently single, sometimes confused state of union, I am hopeful.
Or I was.
If Boy and Girl, my 'shining example,' are as susceptible to the same harsh relationship realities that plague stars of teenage primetime soap operas, then what, I ask you, what is it that I seem stupidly determined to remain hopeful about?
I wish I didn't know anything about this. I want the story to end with "Boy and Girl live happily ever after."
Ignorance is supposedly bliss, but for me, it is apparently the source of my optimism.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
The Silver Ford Taurus...
...Or, "You Can't Know Love Until it Runs Over You in a Parking Lot."
It's been an interesting week...
On Tuesday, I was hit by a car in the parking lot of Caribou Coffee while rollerblading in Canal Park.
I'm not hurt in any serious way, just a sprained wrist and some bruises and-gasp-broken rollerblades. I'll be ok.
My ex-boyfriend did the running over. This world is a strangely small.
It's been an interesting week...
On Tuesday, I was hit by a car in the parking lot of Caribou Coffee while rollerblading in Canal Park.
I'm not hurt in any serious way, just a sprained wrist and some bruises and-gasp-broken rollerblades. I'll be ok.
My ex-boyfriend did the running over. This world is a strangely small.
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